“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.”
1 Peter 4:12-13
Summer, 2007. I’m taking a break from the workday and walking outside of my office. I start hearing thoughts cursing God. I’m confused, horrified. Where is this coming from? These can’t be my thoughts because they’re nothing I want. The idea of cursing the Lord is terrifying. I ask God to take it away, shut it down. But this is just the beginning. I would continue to struggle with these battles for several more years.
This was during the time when I was having panic attacks and struggles with depression and anxiety. You can read that part of my story at https://theroguechristian.com/mental-illness-depression-and-faith/. As I was going through heavy duty warfare the doctors were loading me up on medications that screwed up my brain chemistry. I was reeling spiritually and chemically.
I learned quickly that the number of people I could tell what I was going through was very short. Secular Christians see the Christian life through a small, flowery kaleidoscope and have little understanding or experience in the spiritual realm or warfare. They were the worst. One guy asked me why I was cursing God. I couldn’t get through to him that I had neither intention nor desire to do so but that the thoughts were attacks on my mind by the enemy. Some professing Christians think the enemy can’t hurl dark or sick thoughts into their mind. They live in a Pollyanna zone where there are no loose ends and God would never allow one of his kids to experience intense warfare and torment.
“Because of the extraordinary greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might leave me.”
2 Corinthians 12:7-8
We don’t know how Paul was tormented, whether physically, mentally, or both, but it must have been intense if Paul begged God three times for relief.
And, God continued to allow Paul to be tormented.
When I did find someone who I could share with, I gave them a few small fragments of the story, perhaps that I was getting hit with dark thoughts, and leave it at that. While I was going through that living hell, dumb, inappropriate, or accusing comments made my situation worse. There are many in the church who don’t want to hear about spiritual warfare. Tell them you’re hearing thoughts cursing God and they’ll write you off as a nut job.
What I now know was that those years were my time in spiritual boot camp. I was being purified, trained, and equipped for the battles I would face years later when I would get hit hard during ministry. I grew up in a Christian home with physical and sexual abuse and had lingering struggles with fear and anger. My time in spiritual boot camp brought all that to the surface and forced me to face it. I would either fall apart or confront fear and win. For awhile, I fell apart. When I did put up a fight it didn’t feel like my blows were connecting. The medications made it worse. I felt like I was swinging wildly and missing. I turned to people for help, including quite a few Christian counselors, but struggled to gain traction. Some were a waste of time that were more discouraging than helpful.
Either God would come through or show me the way through, or I would stay lost in the maze. He was enough. He always is. In November of 2009, one morning while alone in my office, a thick demonic presence filled the room. I took a stand with nothing but praying the Psalms out loud. The evil presence retreated. That was the beginning of the turnaround in the spiritual battles. Healing from the damage of the medications took longer.
I’m grateful for those years in warfare boot camp. Without the training and strength that came from my time in the furnace I would probably have caved or given up long ago with what I go through today. Sermons on the armor of God are nice, but it’s when you’re thrown into an intense spiritual firefight and the enemy is going at you repeatedly from different directions that reveal what you’re made of. Getting the win or persevering in warfare isn’t about knowledge alone; what’s in your heart plays a big role. Dogged perseverance and the refusal to give into fear or back down are important. My years in the furnace burned out a lot of weakness and impurity in my heart, including fear, pride, arrogance, and anger. There were also gaps of weak faith in my armor that needed to be tightened up and strengthened.
“Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver;
I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.”
Isaiah 48:10
Spiritual warfare bootcamp – suffering – is a blessing. Once I started overcoming fear and getting some wins I started feeling alive again, albeit slowly. My faith was refined. I learned a lot. I got to know God in ways I never would have before. My prayer life was kindled like never before. I’ve been privileged to be able to walk with others who are going through hell. It takes a lot more to rattle me now than before my years in the furnace. I can see the warfare when others don’t have a clue of what’s going on. Many believers think the garbage floating through their minds is all from them or their flesh. We’re turning out too many secular Christians.
A strong prayer life is a non-negotiable.
Maybe you’re in spiritual boot camp today; perhaps you have been for years. Everything must pass through God the Father’s hand (see Job 1). Ask Him what He wants you to learn and what the next step is. Many stay stuck because they won’t take a risk and take the step they know God has been telling them to take for a long time. Going Eeyore won’t get you anywhere.
We live in a dangerous time when many are walking away from God. Don’t give up. There is always hope; the enemy doesn’t want you to know that. You’re not alone. Fear, anxiety, hatred, or bitterness are heart killers. You’ll be crippled emotionally and spiritually until you deal with them. Get help if needed. There are others out there who know the language of pain and suffering by experience vs studying a book, aren’t interested in promoting their own agenda, understand that listening is important, and aren’t concerned with pretending they have all the answers. Those are the people you want to be around.
“For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.”
Psalm 66:10-12
