Last Sunday I was at Denver International, awaiting a flight. The airport has an outdoor patio at the end of the terminal where one can get fresh air, so I took advantage of it. Outside, a young girl of around 12 years old was doting on her father. She went from sitting on his lap to walking behind him, whispering, and hugging him. One on one time with Dad is a big deal. From my vantage point he didn’t seem to move or talk much, but I couldn’t see clearly so it was hard to tell. I hope he was responding to the love his young daughter was pouring out on him. The days of her youth will soon be gone. If he is emotionally absent or checked out for her formative years the chances of them having a close relationship as she moves into adulthood will fade.
Watching that girl with her dad reminded me of how critical the relationship a father with his kids is. If we save the world yet sacrifice our family on the altar of work, entertainment, or ministry, we miss God’s heart and will hurt those we love, possibly with severe consequences.
Bob Pierce, founder of World Vision, traveled 10 months out of the year on missions trips, many to children in other countries, as his two daughters, Sharon, the oldest, and Marilee, his second, were growing up. In 1968, while on a ministry trip to Asia, 27-year-old Sharon called Bob and begged him to come home. He not only refused but extended his trip. His wife, who was with Bob, rushed home to find that Sharon had tried to commit suicide. Later that year, Sharon ended her life. Bob eventually lost his marriage. Pierce claimed he had made an agreement with God that Bob would take care of God’s children overseas if God took care of Bob’s family at home. We must wonder what was going through Bob’s mind, thinking that God would justify the neglect and abandonment of the family God had given him. Pierce had a nervous breakdown in 1963 and an anger problem; he eventually quit World Vision in anger with a dispute with the board.
God reveals the heart of a father in Psalm 103.
“The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.”
Psalm 103:8-13 (emphasis mine)
Prophetic words in Malachi reveal God’s heart for restoration between a father and his kids:
“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the Lord comes. And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction.”
Malachi 4:5-6
1 Timothy 5:8 adds:
“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
While the context of 1 Timothy 5:8 was in relation to financial support, how much more important is it that we provide the love and structure that our kids need?
Fathers are designed for moral and spiritual authority; to model internal strength, character, integrity, truth, and the love of God. Our earthly father is the lens through which we see our Heavenly father.
“A child is not likely to find a father in God unless
he finds something of God in his father.”
– Austin Sorensen
“When a father’s love is withheld, a child will struggle with issues ranging from shyness and insecurity to a profound and crippling shame over his or her very existence.”
– Brennan Manning
That’s a heavy-duty responsibility for every dad, especially when many men (and women) grew up with fathers who were checked out, absent, abusive, or angry. Every man will fail his kids, as will their mother. The key is not to cover our mistakes or defend them but admit our failures and apologize as soon as possible before a deep wound opens a door for the enemy to poison our kids hearts with lies, bitterness, and hopelessness.
“I’m sorry” is often the most powerful way we can say “I love you” – “I’m sorry” communicates value to the other person and shows we care about their heart, assuming the apology is offered with no strings attached.
I’ll leave you with the following to consider.
The world system depicts dads as bumbling, weak, morons who placate their kids. Every father is called to be a strong man of God and the spiritual leader of his home. The enemy knows this which is why he works so hard to destroy fathers and mothers. Every marriage and family are at war against an enemy that is bent on destroying them. Ignore the spiritual battle at your peril.
Porn is a marriage and family killer. It’s not uncommon to hear of an adult who got their first exposure to porn through Dad’s phone or computer.
Some of the best teaching a father or mother will do is by their actions, not their words. If you talk about the love of God or quote Scripture but have a mouth like a blowtorch where you flame your kids for their mistakes, your kids might not want anything to do with you as they transition into adulthood. They may even walk away from God, which our youth have been doing in mass numbers for the past 30 years. I grew up in the church in a home that was torn with physical, emotional and sexual abuse. By the time I was 14 I was done with family and drifted away from God. Our kids are watching to see if we’re walking the talk or if we’re a religious poser. How we treat them, including the tone we use when speaking to them, carries more weight than a Bible lesson. We are called to instruct and lead our children, but if it’s done in a spirit of anger or they get the sense that we’re treating them like an annoyance or inconvenience, we put their hearts at risk and they will be vulnerable to the attacks of the enemy and the influence of the world.
One of the best things a dad can do for his kids and his wife is to get the healing he needs for the wounds of his heart. You can’t give what you don’t have.
Every man needs to be a part of a tribe of other men who will sharpen, encourage, and pray for him.
Spend time with your kids. Lots. Especially in their formative years. They want to touch you, hear you, know you. When my daughters hit 12 they wanted to wrestle and would try to pin me to the ground. I would bust out laughing when they would come at me, and loved it. Dad’s presence communicates acceptance and love.
Men, pursue your wife and kids. Don’t lay back in the weeds. You are the catalyst and the leader.
The story of the prodigal son is an encouragement to parents of prodigals. In the story of the prodigal, the father represents God, the only perfect father. In spite of his father doing everything right, the son still went off the rails. Even if a parent makes all the right moves (and no one can) in the end our kids still have to make their choices.
Maybe you have adult kids and there is distance or some damage there that needs mending. Start where you are and do what you need to do to close the gap. They may not respond for awhile, but keep trying, and don’t stop praying for them.
A dose of humility works wonders.
In a time when religious leaders fall every day to sexual sin, the world, and our families, are watching for the few men of God who are the real deal; men who are strong enough to admit their mistakes and faults and boast of their weakness as Paul did in 2 Corinthians 12, who show by their actions (especially, a strong prayer life) that God is their first love and their wife and kids are their priority, and who are willing to step into the battles God places them in and are committed to make their lives count for eternity. Men who are addicted to their phones or spend hours zoning out on TV while checking out on their family – or even worse, abandoning them “in the name of God” by burning out on ministry, can cause a lot of damage and are one step away from a big fall.
The three biggest vulnerabilities (or failures) in the church today are the widespread sexual sin that is consistently taking many down, our youth falling away, and the death of the prayer meeting. The three are connected. Prayerless believers and churches are powerless, no matter how loud the worship band plays, and are vulnerable to the attacks of the enemy and seductions of the world. Without prayer there can be no victory over sin, revival, or rescue of our youth. The Hebrides Revival is a great example of how all-out immersion in prayer by God’s people was the catalyst that sparked and sustained one of the most powerful moves of the presence of God in the past 200 years.
